Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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