Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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