When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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