I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
