I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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