mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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