Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
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My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Rumble strips road head = magical
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My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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