Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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