I just made out with a guy for $7.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
