I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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