Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
