I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
