I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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