I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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