please come you make the beer taste better
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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