why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
