Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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