gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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