Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
