sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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