No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
