I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I believe in your delicious
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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