Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize