My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
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I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
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Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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