six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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