Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
