Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
