Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
