you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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