Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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