I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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