what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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