I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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