I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize