If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
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