Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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