how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
