You made me cry and you don't even care
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
