No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
