Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
