Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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