Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
