Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
