You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
