There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
We had sex on a dog bed..
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Sex in the backyard? Check.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
