Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
