He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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