I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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