I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
