she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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