is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
