You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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