im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
