Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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