When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
