We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
So vagazzling was a success
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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