just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
